i don’t think i’m ready to say goodbye

when goodbye means forever in this life

and the shadow of death lingers near.

you wouldn’t want it this way,

but such is my worst nightmare –

loss, heartbreak, vulnerability, tears…

and worse still, the fear.

what awaits us after death?

i’ve never before wondered,

feeling comfortable with stories of old,

yet suddenly i’m haunted

by cruel, cruel doubt

knawing at my insides…

haunted by familiar faces

overcast with clouds of grief.

the eye of the storm is coming

and i know not if i am strong enough

to face it head on

without faltering.

is it selfish of me

to wish things hadn’t happened

this way? so horribly slow…

then all at once

like lightning,

splitting my heart in two.

i am weak

i am afraid

i am mortal

though others remind me

death has lost its sting

and One greater than I

has found victory

o’er the gloom of the grave,

today such sentiments

ring strangely hollow.

i want to believe,

with all of my being.

i long for the comfort

these promises once lent –

yet the sudden surge of anger,

a toxic chill now creeping

so stealthily,

so rapidly into my soul,

comes as a surprise.

“the Lord giveth

and the Lord taketh away,”

that’s what they always say.

that’s what i’ve always believed.

so why do these words

feel like infinite icicles

falling, slicing through the air,

piercing like swords

into the depths of my soul?

“great is Thy faithfulness…

there is no shadow

of turning with Thee.

Thou changest not,

Thy compassion, it fails not

as Thou hast been,

Thou forever wilt be” –

this truth, oh my God

please help me to see.



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